Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


George is at the sweet shop and asks the proprietor for the biggest box of chocolates he has. He goes on to explain that they are for his wife because he had mistakenly said she'd put on weight. The shop owner says that after eating all those chocolates she really will put on weight.

In Wimbledon, all sweet shops are owned by aged Chinese men. This is a regular 80s sweet shop that has jars of different sweets behind the counter and you buy them in quarters. One mistake this Chinese man has made though is writing SWEET on the window on the inside. The people on the inside can see it fine but they already know they are in a sweet shop. Unless of course it is a sweet shop in an old iron mongers so it's only when people come in do they realise they've made a mistake and are now in a sweet shop. It is then that the Chinese man lures them into buying some sweets by displaying all the appetising and mouthwatering products he has.

The box of chocolates that George buys is so large that the shop owner can barely carry them. He's shaking quite a lot. He has made another mistake. There is no way a box that size containing chocolates can be that heavy. This is actually his burglar defence system. When he bought the shop from the iron mongers, a number of horse shoes and iron poles were left. He put them in a large chocolate box to throw at any would be robbers. He hasn't used it for quite a while and forgot what the box contains. George is going to be very disappointed and confused when he gets home.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Lynne is talking to an unnamed man. He is telling her about a woman who is just what he looks for – slim, attractive, has a great figure and never nags or complains. Lynne says she sounds perfect and asks why he doesn't ask her out. The man gazes at a mannequin in a shop window and Lynne says that she now sees why he doesn't and calls him a dummy.

Just who this Joe Strummer wannabe is we don't know. We also don't know why he's latched himself on to Lynne. They must know each other somehow. Luckily, for Lynne, he is not flirting with her but telling her about another woman he likes. This man is quite picky in his tastes and the women he goes for must meet his specific requirements.

His tastes are so specific however that the only women that meet his needs are made of plastic. He has literally fallen in love with this mannequin, the hearts tells us this. He is also either drooling or sweating at the thought of the dummy. The hearts are a little bit sad but in some way endearing, but the drooling and sweating is just deranged. His next port of call will be to hide out in the store until after closing and have his wicked way with this inanimate object. Being arrested and then sectioned are only a few steps behind.

Monday, September 27, 2010


George and Lynne are being interviewed by a woman and a cameraman. Lynne says that their marriage is rock solid. The woman asks them if they think that anything would tempt either of them to stray. George says only sexy reporters and Lynne says handsome cameramen.

This is not London Tonight who are doing this interview. The woman is far too scantily dressed to be a professional reporter and the cameraman would have a larger, more sophisticated camera for a show like that. The reporter has invested in a wireless microphone, so that would suggest she is serious about getting into journalism.

From the nature of the questions, this reporting team may be from a tawdry late night show looking at relationships. It could also be from something similar to That's Life. If that footage was sent back to the studio, Esther Rantzen and the gang would have a field day.

It seems that George and Lynne's marriage isn't as rock solid as they say. However we know that their flirting is always harmless. The real truth is that after a hard day with no television gold, the reporter has bribed George and Lynne to say something racy to give the producers of That's Life some footage they can use. The first rule of reporting, don't be afraid to cook the books. This woman will go far.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Lynne is with some friends, including 'Mantha. 'Mantha says that Sammy has a cousin in insurance and whatever happens she's okay for life. Another friend says that Dick took out a life policy in her favour the day they were married. Lynne asks Polly what she would get if she lost Percy. Polly replies that she would probably get a Pekinese.

Insurance is the topic of conversation and all the women want to throw in their tuppence worth. The lady who is married to Dick must have had a strange wedding day if he was on the phone to his insurance broker that afternoon. These policies take a long time to sort out so there's a chance he would have missed a good chunk of his own wedding reception. But that man will do anything for his wife.

Polly's husband on the other hand has taken out a very strange insurance policy which states that if he dies, his wife will receive a toy dog of some sort. Whether Polly has the choice of dog is not known but she seems to know which breed she will get. She seems to think that this is a normal policy. Percy on the other hand will be giving all his money to a third party in the event of his death. Maybe, the local dog shelter will be receiving this money and will gladly give his widow a dog of her choosing as a sign of their gratitude. Whichever way you look at it, Polly will be penniless.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


George comes home from work to find Lynne naked except for a beret. He says that this is the reason why he always looks forward to coming home. Lynne calls him an idiot and tells him to get changed for a night on the town. George hugs Lynne and says he just can't afford it. Lynne asks if they could afford it if she kicks in the mad money she's been saving. She gets her money pot and tells George that there must be a tenner's worth of silver in there. Later George and Lynne are at dinner and George pays for the meal with a credit card.

George likes it when Lynne is naked when he comes home. After last night's dinner out, he'd like a nice evening in tonight, but Lynne is having none of it. She's even willing to blow her savings for another dinner out. George can't be giving her much money if she's only saved £10. Then again, £10 was a lot of money in 1977.

Even before Lynne tells him how much money she has saved, George is down to his briefs and is resigned to going on this dinner. However he has decided not to take the change to the restaurant. It looks like Lynne has given George the money pot for him to bank the next day. George can pay with a credit card which he won't have to pay off until the end of the month, by which time Lynne's change will be safely in George's account. They'll have to wait until Lynne saves up another £10 before they can go to dinner again.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


George is at the freezer wondering what to have for dinner. His first option is salmon steaks but he decides against it because they had fish for dinner last night. He then thinks about Chicken Kiev. Finally he asks Lynne what he should take out for dinner to which Lynne replies that he should take her out for dinner.

The thought of dinner is really getting to George. Just look at the frown he has on at the thought of salmon steaks. If he's not careful he'll prematurely wrinkle on his forehead. Is dinner really that much of a chore?

What a large freezer George and Lynne have. They are the sort of people who'll make a batch of food and then freeze the portions for ease of cooking at a later date. Perhaps George is the chef and leaves Lynne with a load of meals that she can defrost in her new microwave oven in case George is stuck at work, which is a more regular occurrence these days. Maybe he's pushing for a promotion.

Due to George's late nights at the office, Lynne takes this opportunity to spend some quality time with her husband so suggests they go out for dinner. It's a snap decision as she's not dressed for a dinner out. She knows she'll have to put some more clothes on before they leave. The Chicken Kiev will just have to wait.

Monday, September 20, 2010


George and Lynne are at home. Lynne says to George that he'll never guess what Mildred has just told her about Maggie and Maurice. George says he won't try to guess and asks Lynne what it was. Lynne says she doesn't like to gossip. George butts in to say that nobody admits to liking to gossip but everyone enjoys it so he asks Lynne about Maggie and Maurice.

Lynne has been out and George has not. She is wearing her Diane Keaton in Annie Hall look which suggests this tale is set in the late 70s, possibly a good 5 years before our usual adventures. George is dressed very casually and certainly wouldn't have been allowed out like that with Lynne as she was dressed so well.

However fashionable Lynne's clothes, she finds them incredibly uncomfortable and has to disrobe as soon as soon as she gets home. Perhaps she has gone with the cheap option and is left with a polyester shirt which is a bit itchy. This maybe before George had become the big wig in the property business, so he couldn't afford to buy her expensive clothes.

It seems we'll never find out about Maggie and Maurice. Lynne knows and George will find out but we are left wanting more. It is inconceivable that Lynne won't tell George because a marriage is based on trust. Of course if George tells someone else and it gets back to Mildred, or even worse Maggie and Maurice, then Lynne will be upset at George for gossiping even though the blame will lie firmly with Lynne. What a quandry she must be in.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Lynne is with an unnamed friend. The friend tells Lynne that her parrot used to live on an oil rig. Lynne asks if his language is pretty crude when he talks. Her friend says it is not, but he does tend to gush a bit.

Lynne's friend's parrot used to live on an oil rig. This means that either her husband used to work on an oil rig, or knows someone who did who needed to get rid of a parrot, or the pet shop owner gave the parrot an elaborate back story in order to shift the parrot quickly.

On first glance it seems that Lynne and her friend are attempting to out-pun each other. Actually this is rather a normal conversation. Lynne wonders if this parrot swears, partly because she thinks that many men on an oil rig would swear a lot, but also because she is ill-educated and believes that parrots actually talk rather than mimic humans. Her first assumption would be more correct.

Her friend says that the talking is not a problem, but he does have a discharge problem. She says he gushes, which makes it a strange choice not to keep the parrot in a cage. They have taken him to the vet but all he could do was prescribe some tablets which are difficult to administer to an irate parrot. Perhaps this is why the pet shop owner was so keen to get rid of him.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


George and Lynne are at a pub. George notices that Tim is celebrating his wedding anniversary. As Tim kisses the woman he's with, George continues to say that it looks like he's certainly enjoying married life especially with his wife being away. Lynne looks shocked.

It is a lovely day so George and Lynne have gone for a drink in the garden of a pub. This could be the Ferryboat Inn but it is unlikely that Tim would be cheating on his wife in a place where so many people would know him. Wherever they are, Lynne is enjoying a brandy whilst George has opted for a jar of mustard as his aperitif.

George timed his little speech to perfection, revealing the twist at the very end to maximum effect. This means he must know that Tim is having an affair. If it was a shock to him then he may have whispered to Lynne that Tim is kissing someone who isn't his wife, and on his wedding anniversary of all times.

George also knows that this is Tim's wedding anniversary. Either Tim has told him that it is his wedding anniversary soon but his wife's away on business so he's going to meet up with his mistress or George went to Tim's wedding. You would assume that if he went to Tim's wedding then Lynne would have gone too, and therefore know that that is not Tim's wife. The conclusion of all this is that either Tim is flaunting his affair all over the pub or Lynne is so self involved that she can't remember the bride at a wedding.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


George and Lynne are out shopping. An unnamed friend asks Lynne how she persuaded George to come shopping with her. She goes on to ask what her secret is. Lynne says it's simple as she holds a trump card, which is their joint credit card.

Lynne has bumped into a friend in the sales. The friend must know that Lynne is an avid shopper and that George is not as she asks how he is there. Why Lynne wants her husband with her when she is shopping we don't know. Initially we may think it is because she wants him to buy some clothes for her.

As George toys with the mutton chops look, Lynne glances at the price of a green dress. She then decides to buy it without even trying it on. No wonder George looks disgruntled – he knows he'll have to come back next week to return the dress because it doesn't fit.

Lynne says her trump card is their joint credit card. Surely if it's their joint credit card, she can use it whenever she wants. Perhaps this credit card needs two signatures when using it, therefore George has to be there. The joint credit card should really only be used for things that they both use, like amenities and holidays. If Lynne is dipping onto the joint account for clothes, they must be coming to the end of their savings. George should give Lynne an allowance if she can't be bothered to work.

Monday, September 13, 2010


George and Lynne are at a drinks party. George tells Lynne that when it comes to chat-up lines, Jack has a real way with words. As a woman throws a drink in Jack's face, Lynne says that he obviously didn't get away with those words.

The party George and Lynne are attending is posh but not so posh that George has to wear a bow tie. In fact, looking around, all the men are wearing black suits, white shirts and black ties and the woman talking to Jack has a black dress on. Granted it's quite revealing, but it could be that this is a wake at a funeral.

If it is a funeral, some people here are being extremely inappropriate. Firstly we have Lynne who has decided to attend this funeral in a pink cocktail dress. What must the bereaved be thinking when she walked in? Her only excuse is that she has come straight from a cocktail party and didn't have time to change. But quite what she was doing at a cocktail party in the middle of the day is anyone's guess.

The second person being inappropriate is Jack. A wake is not the place to try out your new pick up lines. No wonder the woman has thrown her drink in his face. It must be that she is the bereaved. He should have waited a bit longer to crack on to the wife of the recently deceased.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


George and Lynne are in the garden. Lynne tells George it's his turn to do some chores while she freshens up. In the bathroom, Lynne notices a silhouette at the window. It is George who says he thought he'd start by cleaning the windows. Lynne calls him a cheeky devil.

George and Lynne's garden looks a little better than it did the last time it was on show. This may be down to Lynne's work or it may be just because this is a different angle of the garden and all we can see now is a large rock face. This is one hell of a garden.

When Lynne said freshen up, she really meant she was going for a shower. George was not to know this so he decided to get the ladder out and clean the windows, starting with the first floor. He seems quite embarrassed when he sees Lynne in the nude, but strangely doesn't apologise – could this be another one of his ruses to see his own wife without any clothes on?

Lynne doesn't look too happy, but she should be. George is going out of his way to save money by cleaning the windows himself rather than paying for a costly professional to do the job. Granted, George may not do a first rate job, but that is a good £5 that they have saved. Perhaps now they can buy butter.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


George and Lynne are saying goodbye to some party guests, including Sammy and 'Mantha. One guest thanks them for a lovely party. Lynne tells them that Sammy can't drive home like that. 'Mantha agrees and adds that he can't even walk home. Sammy then trips up.

So George and Lynne have decided to host a party. What sort of party is it? Everyone looks as though they have dressed up a bit, especially George who's gone for the Saturday Night Fever look of white suit and black shirt. It could be a themed party, but by the look of the other guests it's not.

It's light outside and people are leaving. This is either a day party in the summer but that would be more of a lunch or a barbecue, and it is doubtful that George would want to risk getting marinade on his white suit. So this party must have gone on all night. What night owls George and Lynne, and their guests, are.

It is all rather foolish to let Sammy be the designated driver. They all know he's been trying hard to stay on the wagon but to let him come to an all night party is just foolish. 'Mantha was just being selfish to stay out all night. She must have had an idea that come 2am, Sammy would be gasping for a drink. It all smacks of still trying to hide Sammy's problems. The other two guests have no idea, but they must have guessed by now.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


George and Lynne are out jogging. George is lagging behind and says that he isn't as fit as he thought. They then see two joggers and George picks up the pace. Lynne asks him if he just got his second wind.

One of the reasons that George might be out of breath and too hot is that he has decided to go jogging in a light summer jacket and white slacks while Lynne has opted for a small top and shorts combo. Lynne is a seasoned runner, so she knows best when it comes to judging attire in relation to heat.

George must feel even more silly when he passes the other runners, who appear to be Steve Cram and Seb Coe. They too are wearing more ventilated running apparel and seem to be moving a lot easier because of it.

Lynne asks if George is getting his second wind. She must think this because the red has gone out of his cheeks. What she doesn't realise is that by the look on his face he is probably fainting, with the blood going from his face as he turns pale. Even worse, he could be having a heart attack. Whatever is happening, poor George does not look well.

Monday, September 6, 2010


George and Lynne are out on a boat while an unnamed friend is sitting on a jetty. Lynne asks the friend how her honeymoon cruise was. The friend said it was a disaster because everything was old, decrepit and creaking. George asks if it was the liner that was the problem but the friend says it wasn't, it was actually her new husband.

George and Lynne are out boating again but this time Lynne has decided to cover up a bit. This may be due to a friend being there or that she was caught out last time and ordered to pay a fine. It seems that they have spied the friend on their travels and now George is backing in to get closer. The friend needs to watch her legs as George can't see where he is going and he could hit them with his boat.

George and Lynne's friend has just been on a honeymoon cruise with her new husband who is old. The friend is complaining about this and that it thus turned the trip into a disaster. It begs the question of what she thought he was like. She must have either been married via the post or the husband recently took a miracle tonic to sort him out for the wedding.

She does look like she is staring into nothing though, so perhaps she is blind. She has been wooed by the old man but was never allowed to touch his face, and luckily for him he has a very young sounding voice. She does have super human hearing though and can hear a zimmer frame from a hundred yards. We can only imagine that every time they have met before, he had already arrived.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


George is on the phone. He tells someone that the heating's gone wrong and it's like a sauna in his house. Whoever he is talking to asks him when the repair man is coming. George says he hasn't got around to calling him yet and looks at Lynne who is ironing naked.

The heating has gone wrong and is constantly on hot. It is so hot in George and Lynne's house that even the walls are sweating. George is hot but is retaining some sort of decency by keeping his shirt on.

How much has boiler technology advanced in the last 25 years? Granted, some boilers are now operated digitally, but many still have a dial function. To couple that, surely every boiler has an 'off' switch? It would be understandable for the boiler to have broken in the winter with George and Lynne ending up freezing. Just switch it off George.

To add this farce, George hasn't even bothered calling the repairman yet. He obviously doesn't feel he's qualified to tamper with a boiler, what with all the gas, but to neglect calling someone who does is just plain silly. The boiler could be on its way to an explosion. He may like the heat, but safety first please. The whole house could go up at any moment.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


George, Lynne and Sammy are outside. Sammy tells them that he hoped to be a scientist once. George asks him what stopped him. Sammy tells them that is was because no one took him seriously. Both George and Lynne laugh and Sammy exclaims that that is the problem right there.

Where on earth are they? Lynne is topless and watering and George and Sammy are on loungers so that would suggest it's George and Lynne's back garden. But just look at it! Either they have to most overgrown garden ever or their house backs on to a forest. It's huge. The house is nowhere to be seen and George and Sammy can't even stretch their legs without dipping into a bush or shrubbery. Lynne shouldn't have a watering can, she should have a scythe.

George and Lynne laugh when Sammy tells them his dream of being a scientist. These are not friends. Sammy has dreamed of being a scientist since he was a small boy. Even his mother laughed at him which made him very self conscious and lowered his self confidence. The laughing continued from his teachers and peers. It wasn't long before Sammy hit the bottle, and you can see why. Drink was his only escape from the constant ridicule. He will now go home and drink himself into a stupor. Of course what he should be doing is working on that experiment, but with that amount of sauce inside him, he's likely to burn the house down.