Tuesday, November 30, 2010


George and Lynne are canoeing. George tells Lynne that the local MP is writing a book set on the high seas and that it is a true tale of skullduggery, romance and buried treasure. Lynne adds that it all went on during the MP's fact-finding cruise last year.

George and Lynne are not experienced canoeists. They have opted for life jackets and safety helmets. The guide warned them of rapids so they took the safe option. This decision was needed even more when George and Lynne both realised that they would be canoeing and not kayaking, a mistake the inexperienced boatman usually makes.

Lynne is right, the MP's book is based on his cruise last year. During his time on the QE2, he tricked a fellow passenger into giving him £12, had a quicky with one of the crew and then lost his signet ring in the mash potato which he had to dig out. Not a compelling read.

Lynne's attempt at satire is directed at the MP for getting up to all sorts on his fact-finding cruise. However she should really be directing her humorous vitriol at whoever thought it a good idea to send the MP for Wimbledon to the Bahamas to find out more information about the possibilities of introducing speed bumps on Parkside.

Monday, November 29, 2010


George and Lynne are out shopping. Lynne notices Fran and tells George that she's been under the surgeon's knife six times for plastic surgery. George says it's more like drastic surgery.

George and Lynne are in a shop called either Blues or Sick. Wherever they are, it is quite expensive as some of the items cost £59. It sells coats of many colours. Lynne is looking for a coat to go with her pink blouse.

Fran has had plastic surgery six times. As she looks fine, George's comment that it is for drastic surgery can only mean one thing. Fran has been both unfortunate and fortunate in her life. She has been unfortunate because she has been involved in six terrible accidents that have scarred her and have required plastic surgery. She has been fortunate that her surgeon is the best in the business, and has fixed her up every time, so much so that she still looks great. It is quite strange that she used to have a massive nose and chin though. It makes you think that she got into those accidents on purpose.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


George is going fishing with his friend Harry and tells Lynne when he arrives. Lynne tells George to have fun and adds that Alice is popping in for coffee. Alice seeks Lynne's approval about her short skirt. Lynne doesn't think it's too short and then thinks that Alice is fishing for compliments.

George did not really need to tell Lynne that he was going fishing as the rod, net and bag of bait are quite prominent. In truth, by making a big show of going fishing, George is more likely to be using this as a cover up. On the evidence of our last two meetings with Harry, it's more likely that George is going to try and pick up women.

Harry may have changed his ways though. He now has a girlfriend who has been introduced to his circle of friends. Lynne, being a generous sort, has invited Alice for coffee to get to know her better while the men 'fish'. Lynne immediately regrets this decision as Alice has already started fishing for compliments and removing her clothes; she has taken her top off before even getting up the drive. Fishing trips usually last the best part of an afternoon, so by the time George and Harry come back, they will be shocked to find Lynne throttling a naked Alice in the living room.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


George is doing the dishes when Lynne enters the kitchen and tells him she is off to her old school class reunion and asks how she looks. George says she looks in a class of her own.

Now we know that George and Lynne did not meet at school. Usually these reunions involve being allowed to take partners but not in this case. Lynne is going alone and has dressed up to try and impress her old schoolmates as they all said she'd amount to nothing.

George and Lynne have obviously neglected the dishes over the last few days. Instead of washing up after each meal or before bed, they have let the dishes stack up. We can only hope that they at least rinsed them, otherwise their kitchen will be a hive for germs. George saw a line of ants so thought it was time to wash up.

Lynne is really asking how she looks because the upstairs is as bad as the kitchen. Soiled clothes have been strewn everywhere and this dress is literally the only clean thing she could find. She was hoping to wear something a little more businesslike, but her trouser suit is covered in yoghurt.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


A plumber is working on George and Lynne's bathroom while George watches. The plumber says that fitting the new sink isn't easy. From another room, Lynne asks if it is a bit of a tight fit. After seeing Lynne in a skimpy outfit, both George and the plumber think the same thing, that she can say that again.

George has had no choice but to call out a plumber. After removing the old sink, George had a go at fitting the new sink but he realised it was beyond his capabilities. Whilst watching the plumber struggle, he has a mild sense of justification that even a professional plumber has had trouble with it.

The plumber, who can't even do his job properly, is walking on thin ice by knocking off to ogle Lynne. George will soon turn round to find him staring right at the exposed Lynne. Hopefully George will just give him one of his patented deathly stares but if the plumber hasn't noticed him, he could be on the wrong end of a bunch of fives. George will then be forced to fit the sink himself after being blacklisted by every plumber in the SW19 post code.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Lynne is in the bath. She thinks to herself that cousin Norm is visiting from Australia. She continues to think that he is a lifeguard and likes to keep his hand in. Norm bursts into the bathroom and Lynne shouts 'Bondi Beach or no Bondi Beach'.

The water shortage has hit Wimbledon hard. Lynne's baths are now a centimetre of water and an awful lot of Fairy liquid. She cleans herself in the shower but has refused to give up that relaxing bath time she enjoys so much. So instead she creates the atmosphere of a relaxing bath, but without the water.

Cousin Norm is a bit strange. Oz probably doesn't mean Australia in this case but the Osmand Mental Health Hospital, known as Oz. Norm is actually George's cousin and has been locked up for quite a while. In order to attempt to reintroduce him to society, George has agreed to let him live at their house for a trial period of a week. He has delusions of being a lifeguard, a side effect of his Hero Syndrome, which got him locked up in the first place.

To not draw attention to Norm on this experiment, George and Lynne have devised a code word if Norm does anything untoward. It is a bit long winded but it is decided that the code word will be 'Bondi Beach or no Bondi Beach'. George hurried into the bathroom seconds later to find Norm attempting to drown Lynne so he can save her. Needless to say, Norm was returned to Oz that very afternoon.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


George and Lynne are at a dance. George tells Lynne that 'Kiss and Tell' stories are always a hazard for the rich and famous. He continues by saying that it all started centuries back, so long ago that the first was a 'Kiss and William Tell' story.

In order to regain their reputation, George has paid an extortionate amount for him and Lynne to go to an exclusive black tie dinner dance. At £100 a plate, it really is only the glitterati at this event. Look, is that Paul Newman dancing with the woman in red?

Due to the amount of celebrities at this event, George tries to impress Lynne with his knowledge of celebrity culture. He should keep his voice down as it looks as if Paul Newman has overheard him. Luckily for George, he does not go on to expose any celebrities. He is merely setting himself up for a poor joke. Unfortunately Lynne thinks that this is the true history of the term 'kiss and tell' and will go on to tell her friends. She will then be the laughing stock of the community and people will have more than one reason to hate her.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


George and Lynne are at a wedding. As the bride and groom leave the church, Lynne remarks that those two have it all. George asks if she means money and good looks. Lynne replies that they say she certainly had several good looks at his money before marrying him.

It's wedding season and this time George and Lynne have actually been invited rather than hearing about it from other people. They must have caught wind that their behaviour and gossiping is frowned upon in the community. They have made an special effort to tone it down in recent weeks in order to secure an invite to this, the most talked about wedding of the year.

They are trying very hard. George has hired a Morning suit and Lynne is wearing a very conservative dress, for her. Unfortunately Lynne had to go and spoil it. She couldn't keep her big mouth shut. All the guests know that the bride is marrying the groom for his money and insisted on a pre-nuptial agreement but no one had to say it. The problem is that everyone knew except for the woman in the green hat. She will now tell someone else that the blonde woman and thinning gentleman have been spreading slanderous accusations. This results in George and Lynne actually being asked to leave the reception. George calms down the father of the bride but his reputation has been tarnished this time.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


George is reading when Lynne comes in and says that sometimes she'd call him really lazy. George gets up and says that she can call him what she likes as long as she calls him for dinner.

It's early evening in the George and Lynne household and Lynne is making dinner while George relaxes. Whatever George is reading is very poorly put together. There is no headline at the top of the front page and just a blank space where a picture should be. Lynne has been calling him to peel some potatoes but George has said he is busy. Lynne thinks he is just reading the paper when in fact he is approving a draft of the new company newsletter. If George's property law firm wants to move headfirst into the 1980s, then a company newsletter is a perfect accompaniment to their already strong market share.

From the background of the last frame, this might be a special dinner. The dining table is set, wine is out and there also seems to be a bread roll already put out. If they are expecting guests then Lynne is nowhere near ready. Not only is she only just asking George to peel the potatoes, she isn't even dressed. If, however, this is late afternoon rather than early evening then those rolls may be a little hard by the time the guests arrive. Lynne needs to manage her time a bit better, and that company newsletter won't approve itself.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Lynne is in a cafe with an unnamed friend. The friend tells Lynne that Sophie said she'd be a bit late as she had to buy a new dog collar. Lynne says that she didn't know she had a dog. The friend says she doesn't and asks Lynne if she heard that she just married a vicar.

Lynne has organised one of her coffee mornings, this time with a couple of friends we don't know. Lynne doesn't seem to know much about her friends so these may be old school or work friends. Lynne then seems to be more surprised at not knowing Sophie had a dog than she does when she finds out she's married.

These must be friends, especially Sophie, who do not live in the same town as Lynne. It's likely that Sophie's marriage to the vicar would have been big news amongst the townspeople. It's not every day a man of the cloth gets married. Also, we know that Lynne's local vicar is a plump bald man who is unlikely to marry someone as young and stylish as Sophie.

What does the friend mean when she says that Sophie just married a vicar? Is the reason Lynne hasn't heard is that it only happened a couple of days ago or even just this morning? This marriage is not going to go far if Sophie is swanning off for coffee just hours after her wedding. At least he, the vicar husband, has got her running errands for him when he is attending to important church business. This seems like a strange relationship, perhaps one of convenience.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


George, Lynne, 'Mantha and Sammy are having dinner with some other people. Lynne tells 'Mantha that she loves a wedding and she agrees. Sammy also agrees because there are always so many people to toast.

Someone has got married and have invited George, Lynne, 'Mantha and Sammy. They have been put together because they probably don't know that many other people at the weding. However it seems that they have all been put on a table with the lesser known relatives of the bride and groom. The man with the comb-over and the glasses is most likely the uncle of the bride or groom because he has a Morning suit on.

Dinner has been served and the speeches are now happening, however Sammy is already drunk. He has over done it on the champagne. Add that to a lack of canopes and the fizz has gone straight to his head. 'Mantha looks forlorn again, but he doesn't seem to be out of hand at the moment. That will come later when he passes out in the cake.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


George is running with a unnamed friend. The friend tells George that they say a distant relative of his wife was a famous pirate. George wants confirmation that the pirate had an eye patch, peg leg and a parrot on the shoulder. The friend wants to know if George has met his wife.

George and his friend appear to be taking part in some sort of local fun run. Not only is it those two, but a woman is also running behind them. That said, none of them are wearing numbers and the lady in the brown is more interested in the shrubbery than the run, so it is more likely to be a jogging club.

George's friend's wife looks like a pirate. Unless the friend is trying to be funny by saying his wife is a bit ugly, and by the looks of George's face this isn't the case, his wife really does have an eye patch, a peg leg and a parrot on her shoulder. She really must be a sight and if George hasn't actually seen her, then he must have heard about her. There's no way a woman with that appearance would have got past Lynne's radar. It's likely that she isn't actually related to a pirate, but in fact this is a cruel joke played by the local residents because they think she looks like a pirate. The truth is she lost her eye and leg in a car accident and it is only the companionship of the parrot that has stopped her sinking into a deep depression.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


George is offering drinks to Sammy at a party. Sammy graciously accepts and then decides to take two giving the reason that he'll know that he's not seeing double.

This must be George and Lynne's party. However George could be one of those people who offers to help at someone else's party and then gets lumbered with a job for the rest of the evening. In this case, making sure everyone has a drink. He is doing a bang up job and with a smile on his face to boot.

He has remembered the first rule of Sammy at a party and that is never let him out of your sight. He has however forgotten the second rule which is never offer him a drink. The moment Sammy takes the second drink, 'Mantha's sixth sense kicks in and she looks towards Sammy in shock.

When Sammy gives the reasons for taking the second drink the faces of his friends tells the full story. 'Mantha is not so much upset but disappointed in Sammy. She realises there is nothing she can do for him and will no doubt be resigned to leaving him. Lynne looks at George with an inkling of blame, but just to get his attention to what is happening to their friends. George looks at Lynne with apology. He knows he has done something wrong, but in some ways they all knew it would happen.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Lynne and 'Mantha are playing snooker. Lynne tells 'Mantha that Stew attempted Everest with sexy Sara. 'Mantha asks if he got very far. Lynne replies that he didn't even get to first base.

Lynne and 'Mantha don't really know how to play snooker. They understand that you have to hit the white ball first to try and hit the other balls, but after that they are lost. Here, they have potted seven of the 15 red balls, but they have also potted the green, brown, pink and black balls without replacing them. This is going to severely affect the scoring of the game. It may be that they are just practising, in which case there will be no score.

One reason why they won't be playing a proper game of snooker is that this particular table has no pockets on it. It begs the question of where those other balls have gone. The women are so bad that the balls have been flying off the table. Some are under the sofa, others are behind the curtains. One even went out the French windows.

This ridiculous table must be the work of Sammy. Sammy is a highly skilled carpenter – just look at the craftmanship on those legs, but he is so drunk all the time that he forgets the most simple of things, in this case pockets on a snooker table. It can be ranked alongside his wardrobe with no doors and his coffee table with no top.

Friday, November 5, 2010


George and Lynne are on their way to a fireworks display in the park. George reminds Lynne that it starts in half an hour. Outside a house, he then tells Lynne that they promised to pick up Ed and Annie. Lynne says she thinks she can hear them. As they look through the curtains they see Ed and Annie fighting and George says it looks like the fireworks have already started.

Lynne's mind is going. George has to remind her first where they are going and then why they have stopped. However it is George who needs reminding as the fireworks in the park have already started. If Ed and Annie live that close to the park, then it is a wonder why they need to be driven there. They should really give it a miss. They can clearly see the fireworks from Ed and Annie's garden and that bonfire looks out of control.

Ed and Annie are having an argument. We don't know what it's about but it has escalated so far that Annie has felt the need to throw a book at Ed. This may just be a trivial argument about a novel they have both read. Ed enjoyed it but Annie didn't. If George and Lynne stick around, they would find that out. They don't. They leave hastily because not only do they not want a rowing couple in their car, but also they realise their car has no back seats.

Ed and Annie wait three hours for George and Lynne to come. They watch the fireworks display from their window and decide they don't need friends like George and Lynne. Just see, you'll never see them again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Lynne is standing in front of the mirror. She says that she read somewhere that an hour glass figure is going out of fashion. George, who has been watching, says it isn't with him. He kisses Lynne and says that her figure is perfect in our glass.

Lynne's mind is going. She knows she read about an hour glass going out of fashion somewhere, but she can't remember where. She has been standing in front of that mirror for an hour trying to remember. During that time, George has been standing in the shadows, waiting for his moment to reveal himself.

Due to the pronunciation of the word 'hour', George has misunderstood Lynne's statement. When he is spotted he tries to redeem himself and does well initially until his final comment which doesn't really make sense to Lynne who thinks he means hour glass.

What George actually means is that in their mirror, Lynne's figure looks good. What he doesn't mention is that in real life her figure isn't that good and that he had bought Lynne's mirror from the hall of mirrors at the local fair. He is lucky he didn't buy the massive head mirror. That would have really freaked Lynne out.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Lynne is taking a shower. She thinks to herself that it was a shock to find her hotel not finished. She is willing to let it go because the hotel staff are doing their best. We see a Spanish man, called Carlos, pouring water on Lynne from a watering can. He says 'De nada, Senora' after Lynne thanks him.

After a sticky flight and arriving in sweltering temperatures, Lynne needs to freshen up with a cool shower. Even though she was undoubtedly shocked to find that that the hotel was not finished, even she cannot have thought that she would have to take a shower like this. When the concierge said at reception that the hotel was not finished, what he should have said was that they have no plumbing.

Finding your hotel unfinished was a classic horror story from 1980's holidays. Of course what usually happened was that tourists were thrown in to sub-standard accommodation. In this case, they are helping out to make sure all the advertised amenities are available to patrons. Carlos, who is more than happy to muck in, has drawn what is far from the short straw of climbing around the rooftops and pouring water onto guests in the place of showers. But where is he getting this water from? If the hotel has no plumbing, where exactly is he getting the water from? It is either from the sea or a nearby drain. Either way, it certainly won't help Lynne freshen up. You have to feel sorry for the poor chap who's having to clear the toilets.