CALENDAR

Lynne is with some friends. One suggests that as everyone seems to pose for calendars, then why can't they? One friend asks if that means without clothes. Lynne says that they could be really different and keep theirs on.

Lynne and her friends must be in a sauna. This is the only logical explanation for four naked women to be chatting so comfortably. However, the walls do look rather dirty and not the sleek pine you'd expect from a reputable sauna establishment. The women look relaxed so maybe they don't know that they are in a dungeon, lured by some local psychopath by the promise of a cheap steam.

Despite their impending disembowellment, the red headed lady has suggested posing for a calendar. Before anyone can offer their thoughts, she has questioned herself on the subject of how much skin would be shown. The lack of oxygen inside the dungeon is starting to take effect and the red headed lady has become delirious, not knowing who is saying what.

Lynne takes control of the conversation and suggests keeping their clothes on. How is she the only one who is in full control of her senses? The last panel is a giveaway. In a moment of cinematic revelation, all has gone dark around Lynne and she strikes a pose which suggests that she knows exactly what is going on. This is Lynne's dungeon. She has lured the women for her and George to feast upon, in whichever way they please. They are truly evil.

NEW HAIRDO

George and Lynne are out cycling. George asks Lynne if she's seen Gloria's new hairdo. Lynne regrets that she has. She adds that if anyone considers getting the same cut she would advise them to hair don't, which doesn't make sense.

It's good to see George and Lynne getting more use out of their tandem. A tandem is an expensive piece of equipment and is not to go unused. Even though it was a whim purchase because both George and Lynne wanted to do more exercise and Lynne saw it and fell in love with it, they have decided to keep going with it. It is not easy to see who is doing the greater share of the pedalling but both seem reasonably relaxed.

It would initially seem that the woman at the end is the aforementioned Gloria. However, even though both George and Lynne are acquainted with the woman, neither of them acknowledge her when riding past. If it is Gloria they have snubbed her for one of two reasons. The first is that one of them has told Gloria to her face that they do not like her haircut and the atmosphere between her and the couple is frosty. The second is that George and Lynne are embarrassed to be out on their tandem, as it is ridiculed amongst their friends. They had tried to use a back route but unfortunately Gloria, who is also embarrassed to be seen in public at the moment, has taken the same route.

This could of course not be Gloria at all. It is a woman who has the same haircut as Gloria because it is a fashion that is attracting the young people of Wimbledon. George and Lynne, being mid to late 30s and therefore technically 'past it', do not understand it and think it is ridiculous. The fact is that after seeing the fourth and fifth women with the same style, Lynne will run to the salon and demand to have a 'Gloria'.

THE LAST CHANCE SALOON

Lynne is in the shower. She thinks to herself that Samantha has warned Sammy about his boozing again. Lynne goes on to ponder that she said he was drinking in the last chance saloon. Apparently Sammy said it sounded like a cool place and asked how to get there.

We join Lynne's thoughts just as she is ending her shower. First she turns the shower off, then she grabs a towel and finally exits the bathroom into darkness. What's interesting here is that Lynne has had a shower without getting her hair wet. This is not uncommon for women but usually a shower cap ot at least a hair band is used to stop the hair from catching any moisture. Also, Lynne is retrieving her towel from inside the shower. Are we to believe that she left her towel inside the shower and it didn't get wet? Perhaps the towel did get wet and Lynne has had to enter the inky darkenss of the airing cupboard to get a fresh one.

If we are to believe Lynne, then Sammy has misunderstood 'Mantha's ultimatum. She has threatened to kick him out if he continues drinking but he wants to go to this fictional bar. If 'Mantha is good for her word then Sammy is gone, but somehow I think she will acquiesce. Sammy must have been drunk when 'Mantha gave this warning. She has said he is drinking in the last chance saloon, but Sammy wants to go there. He should have asked whose round it was if he thought it was a real bar. However he couldn't say that because 'Mantha has previously thrown out all his booze.

HUNTING, SHOOTING AND FISHING

George is talking to an unnamed friend. He tells George that his wife is part of the hunting, shooting and fishing set. He goes on to ask George about his wife. George says that she is part of the shopping, gossiping and flirting set.

George is the middle of the road talking to this man. His wife is nearby and we can identify her due to the fact she is wearing riding trousers and boots. She is not the woman with the crooked glasses in the foreground. This wife is going somewhere with her husband but he has stopped to talk to George for some reason, If they are not careful they will be run over.

The man refers to George as 'old boy.' Does this mean he is not actually acquainted with him as he hasn't used his name? If this is the case then the term 'old boy' is a rather affectionate term to use for a stranger, especially considering that this man looks older than George. It looks as though many people are around so they could be attending a neighbourhood watch meeting. George and the man know each other from the community but have yet to formally introduce themselves.

So, we are at a neighbourhood watch meeting. The aforementioned wife has come straight from either hunting, shooting and fishing. Her husband has rushed out and not realised he's clashed his jumper with his shirt and Lynne and 'Mantha have come straight from a shopping trip. It is good of them to come to the meeting as something serious must have happened in the neighbourhood but it looks as though they are not taking it seriously and are spending the time flirting with a couple of likely lads. For all they know, one of these men could be the peeping tom that the neighbourhood has to be so vigilant about.

FAMILY RESEMBLANCE

George and Sammy are on their way to the pub. George tells Sammy that he has heard that the barmaid with the great figure has gone on holiday. This saddens Sammy and he has asked who has replaced her. George tells him it is her cousin. Sammy says he can notice the family resemblance.

On this warm summer's evening, George and Sammy have decided to have a drink down The Ferryboat Inn. The sun is yet to set but the sky is quite dark. It looks like a summer storm is about to set in. Foreseeing this, both George and Sammy have opted for light jackets. Hopefully they will keep off the rain as neither man has an umbrella.

The Ferryboat Inn has a policy of always having a minimum number of staff on in the evenings. Therefore, whenever someone can't make their shift for any reason, a replacement will be hired to cover. Sammy knows this. However it is also their policy that whoever needs to be replaced has to find the replacement themselves. Therefore the barmaid with the great figure has asked her cousin to step in.

As they enter the bar, George gives the new barmaid a small wave, which she reciprocates. Does George know her? He has said before that he has only heard of the other barmaid's absence. He could just be being courteous, but it seems he has met her before. His wave in understated, which implies that he does not want his acquaintance with her to be known. To Sammy's dismay, they will go to the other side of the pub, to be served by a man without a giant rack.

HOTEL BUSINESS

George is sitting on a chair thinking to himself. He remembers that before he married Lynne, she worked in the hotel business. Apparently she still keeps fond memories of her time as a maid and also her uniform which George is glad about.

This is George's chair. He has positioned it near some well bound books and a couple of photographs. He uses this chair to read and sometimes reminisce. If he can't reminisce about anything he only has to look at the photographs and he is reminded of a time gone by. Perhaps the well bound books are actually photograph albums. If this is the case then this is George's reminiscing chair.

Lynne must go on about her time being a maid in the hotel business as George looks utterly bored with his own thoughts. He is almost falling asleep just thinking, which can't be a good sign. He may use the story of when Lynne worked in the hotel business as an aid to get to sleep.

Lynne has decided to put on her old hotel maid uniform. Judging by the uniform this was no hotel that Lynne worked in. It had rooms and many visitors but they rarely stayed the night. She has been covering up her past for quite some time now. The back story is so elaborate that she tells George about it often to keep up the pretence, so much so that he is bored of the story. Good work Lynne.

CHANGE SEATS

George and Lynne are on an aeroplane. A stewardess informs George that another passenger would like to change seats with him. George says he can't because he is sitting next to his wife. The stewardess tells George that that is exactly the reason why the man wants to change seats.

George has decided to wear a suit for this journey. This could be for a number of reasons. He could be on a business trip that has allowed him to take Lynne along too. He could be on his way to a funeral as he is wearing a black tie, but it is unlikely they would go straight to the funeral from the airport. Most likely is that he has worn the suit in an attempt to be upgraded to Business or, better yet, First Class.

George's plan seems to have worked as the seats that George and Lynne have an incredible amount of room. So spacious is it that Lynne can cross her legs and they are still not touching the seat in front. This will give her a very comfortable time as she watches Rocky III on a tiny screen at the front.

The man who has asked for George's seat has arrived. The layout of this plane has become more confusing. It looks as though the stewardess has made way for the entrance of the man. She must be in the aisle, and therefore so must he. This makes this man extremely short. He must have a tremendous amount of confidence to ask for another man to be removed when standing at a mere 4' 10”. We can only imagine that he is a very successful businessman who always travels First Class and he usually gets what he wants.

NEWSPAPER BOY

Lynne and 'Mantha are having coffee. Lynne tells 'Mantha that Ben has been delivering their paper for years. 'Mantha asks her if he is their newspaper boy. Lynne replies that he is more like their newspaper old boy because he is old.

Once again we join the action right in the middle of a conversation. How has Lynne got onto the subject of her newspaper boy? They must have been discussing how long they've lived in the neighbourhood or how long different people have been doing their jobs. Lynne assumes that 'Mantha knows who Ben is, but she does not.

The coffee shop that Lynne and 'Mantha have decided to visit is an odd place. It serves the smallest cups of coffee known to man and has a large selection of ferns. It is also situated on the first floor right in the middle of a housing estate. Perhaps the area is up and coming and they have turned some ex-council houses into a gym and coffee shop.

Whoever employs Ben should really think about giving him retirement. It's not right to let a man of that age hobble about with a stick delivering papers. The fact of the matter is that Ben is a curmudgeonly old miser who owns the newsagent and has steadfastly refused to hire any staff for the last 40 years, getting up at 5am to deliver the papers himself. He then goes and opens his shop and will only allow one school child in at any time. By refusing to hire any staff, Ben is quite well off but very tired.

IMPLANTS

George has come back from the nursery and tells Lynne, who is with her friend Jill, that has bought some plants. Jill says goodbye to George and Lynne tells him that Jill bought some too but hers are implants.

In a modern man kind of way, it is George who has been to the garden centre to buy plants. This gives the impression that the garden is now George's responsibility. It could be that they were both going to go but Jill turned up, causing George to have to go on his own, and perhaps buying the wrong sort of plants in a hilarious 'getting the wrong end of the stick' way. You can almost hear the catchphrase and canned laughter.

Jill has recently has breast implants. It is thus fair to say that Jill is rather well off. Breast implants were not that common during the early 80s and probably rather expensive. Jill wanted large fuller breasts but she may end up getting more than she bargained for. The 3rd generation of breast implants, with a thicker coating on the silicone gel, didn't come in until the mid 80s, and probably after Jill's surgery. There is therefore a rather high risk of the gel sac splitting and costing Jill another time under the knife.

This might actually be happening already. Jill's dress is clearly fastened when George arrives home but by the time she leaves it has burst open to reveal her bra. Now this may be because she has yet to update her wardrobe but we must fear the worst. The surgeons in Wimbledon are not yet adept at the cosmetic end of the profession, and this is evidence of that.

WALLET

George and Lynne are out and about. Lynne notices Will and his new partner. George comments that it looks like she can't keep her hands off him. Lynne says it is not so much him as his wallet.

Will, a friend of both George and Lynne's, has a new partner. Partner suggests that they have been together for a while, otherwise the word girlfriend would have been used. That is unless Will has openly objected to the word girlfriend as he feels he is too old for it. He feels he has got to the age where 'girls' are now 'women', but woman friend suggests a platonic relationship, so he has asked for any romantic female companion to be known as his partner from now on.

The other explanation is that this woman is actually Will's new business partner. This would explain why she can't keep her hands off his wallet because he is the money behind the venture and she has the technical expertise and the contacts. Will is a well known capital investor and has been the money man behind a number of successful small businesses in the Wimbledon area recently, thus making a name for himself.

It is very unprofessional then for this woman to be kissing Will. Will should know better than to get romantically involved with someone that he is doing business with. If the relationship turns sour, then so could the business, thus losing the new company hundreds of pounds. Unless he is investing in an escort agency and he is being taken out for a complimentary evening with the madam. Then this is all legitimate, well as legitimate as it can be.

BEAUTY AND STYLE

George is with an unnamed friend admiring his car. The friend tells George that he has had this old girl for years but what beauty and style. He adds that he wouldn't swap her for the world. Lynne arrives in a taxi and George agrees that he wouldn't swap her either.

George's friend really does own a classic car. It's surprising it doesn't have a wind up motor at the front. George's friend takes very good of his car. Even though this is a classic car, he talks as though it is his only car and that he bought it when it was first manufactured. Not only must he take really good care of it but it must make him in his early 70s, which when you look at him actually makes sense. He may have bought the car in 1935.

George's friend says that he wouldn't swap her for the world, referring to his car. Has George been offering up some sort of deal to take the car off his hands? At the end, it would seem that George is referring to Lynne when he says he wouldn't swap her, but he doesn't seem to be looking at Lynne, he appears to be still looking at the car. Has he offered up Lynne in a part exchange deal? This is the 1983 version of Indecent Proposal, albeit the other way round.

Lynne has arrived under false pretenses. She thinks she was invited to have tea with George's friend. George thought that by this time he would have already brokered the deal of the car for a night with Lynne. George's friend has made it quite clear this won't happen but has he met Lynne before? Her attractiveness might make him change his mind. If not, George has not really lost anything, except a taxi fare.

FLIRT WITH CUSTOMERS

Lynne is at a restaurant. The waitress asks her if she thinks it's okay for her to flirt a bit with the customers. Lynne thinks it can't do any harm. She adds unless it is with her husband as George arrives and throws water in the waitress' face.

Lynne has picked a lovely little bistro for her dinner tonight. It looks like the sort of place where she and George go before going on to the theatre or cinema. The staff are so friendly that they actually indulge in unprofessional conversations with the clientele. The waitress should not be asking Lynne about flirting with customers. She really shouldn't be asking anyone near the restaurant until she has full ingrained herself there. It would appear she is new to the waitressing game and does not know the etiquette yet.

Lynne however is not really listening to the conversation. She is staring into space thinking about the prospect of 90 minutes in the company of Roger Moore. The Bond films are great because George likes the action and Lynne likes Roger Moore. So they all win. She has zoned out of the waitress' comments and hasn't really understood the nature of the conversation.

It is because of this that she throws water in her face. She sort of heard the words 'flirt' and 'customer' so when George comes back from the toilet and the waitress asks him if he'd like any sweet, she hears the word 'sweet' and jumps to all sort of conclusions. George is one of the many people in the restaurant who is not amused. Once more Lynne has made a fool of herself and made someone else wet. It is George who will have to apologise to the waitress and the owner. Octopussy is going to be a lot less enjoyable now.

IDENTITY PARADE

George and Lynne are getting ready for bed. Lynne tells George that the police got her to take part in an identity parade today. George asks if the witness recognised her face. Lynne tells George that he didn't but he thought he'd seen her figure on Page 3.

This is quite big news for Lynne to be telling George just as they are about to go to bed. This suggests that one of them has only just got home. It looks as though it is Lynne who has just got home as George is already in bed and Lynne is not. She has got undressed and now has the time to tell George about her day. It is unclear whether the identity parade took that long, or whether she had a previous engagement.

George does not seem to understand the purpose of an identity parade. Why would Lynne's face be recognised unless she was actually part of the crime that took place? Does George know something we don't? Is Lynne being used as a patsy in a far greater illegal scheme? George hears that she was in an identity parade and is suddenly worried that the police are onto him as he has been sending Lynne on illegal errands for quite some time now. Perhaps this is how he can afford all those weekends away.

Luckily Lynne was not recognised by the witness, presumably someone who saw a man being beaten up by one of George's heavies. Even though the witness saw a violent crime, he still decides that this would be a good time to flirt with one of the people in the identity parade, and therefore waste police time. And is telling a woman that she has the figure of a Page 3 model a good way to compliment her? In this case it seems it is, as Lynne seems very happy with herself. George now has the added worry that his wife is posing topless in a national newspaper.

TWO MAN TENT

George and Lynne are in a camping shop when they overhear a woman asking the salesman if he can help her as she is looking for a tent. The salesman points her in the direction of a two man tent which is very popular at the moment. The woman decides that that is no good because she is going camping with her sister. George and Lynne smile at this.

George and Lynne have suddenly become very interested in this woman at the camping shop. It is almost as if they wish to ridicule her for asking about tents in a camping shop. She is obviously not a seasoned camper like George and Lynne and they immediately look down on her.

This must be a very high end camping shop. The tent which is behind the lady when she first asks the salesman seems to be priced at £995. That is very expensive for a tent. It must house a full family and have cooking facilities with it, along with beds and toilets. Sensing that this lady is not an experienced camper, the salesman decides it is not the right time to push the Campmaster 4000.

By the end, George and Lynne are having an absolute field day. Not only is the woman not an experienced camper, but she believes that you have to be male to stay in a two man tent. What an idiot! The salesman looks a little perplexed at the situation and may well have to call his superior in order to deal with the woman. Meanwhile George and Lynne, in full earshot of the woman, ask to see the Campmaster 4000.

SAMMY'S BOTTLES

Lynne is at the swimming pool. She thinks to herself that Samantha has had it with Sammy's drinking and that she's thrown out all his bottles including his hot water bottle. Lynne jumps in the swimming pool.

So Samantha, or 'Mantha as we know her, has finally decided to take action on Sammy's alcoholism. About time. 'Mantha's own brand of tough love takes the form of not allowing any receptacle of any kind in the house. It was going to start with just binning his drinks cabinet until she found that he was keeping whiskey inside his hot water bottle; a sad state of affairs. They are only to drink from clear glasses from now on. If Sammy does anything else to upset 'Mantha, they could be drinking straight from the tap.

The lifeguard at this swimming pool could be in for a busy afternoon. Firstly it looks like Lynne is lounging on the balcony and then jumps in. Surely this is against the leisure centre's code of conduct. They might expect it from local youths but not more mature clientele like Lynne. She will probably only be given a warning this time. More alarming for the lifeguard is having to deal with the gentleman in the pool who seems to be either relieving or pleasuring himself. Either way, this is not respectable behaviour.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

George and Lynne are in the bath drinking champagne. George wishes Lynne a Happy Birthday and asks how old she is exactly this year. Lynne replies that a lady never tells. Lynne asks how much the champagne was, adding that it tastes pretty ghastly. George replies that a gentleman saving money on a costly weekend away never tells.

It is Lynne's birthday and to celebrate George has taken her away. George knows it is his wife's birthday but he has no idea how old she is. This may be for two reasons: one is that Lynne has been lying about her age for some time now. Usually she tells people she is 27 and George has become so confused that he has literally lost count of her age. Either that or he frankly doesn't know, or care for that matter, and humours Lynne even though he is asking a legitimate question about her age. Due to Lynne's incessant lying, this puts her age somewhere in the mid to late 30s.

Not content with being taken to a hotel with a fancy venetian blind, Lynne gives a back handed stab at George's generosity by bad mouthing his choice of Champagne. If Lynne truly knew about Champagne she would have noticed it was Cava at the first sip and instead of using the word Champagne she would have said something similar to "Cava? It's my birthday and all you can get is Cava!" This shows that Lynne is a little nouveau-riche and does not understand the finer points of life, although she claims she does.

George is trying to coin a new phrase at the end but frankly it's not going to catch on. It's not often that men will be trying to save money on a costly weekend and be confronted about it. He shouldn't really reveal that he's trying to save money, but he needs to let Lynne know that these weekends away are hitting them hard and they need to stop. It's surprising that he doesn't let rip at Lynne, telling her that the Champagne is fine and it's her working class tastebuds that are wrong. But George isn't like that.

DIAMONDS

George and Sammy are by some shops. George tells Sammy that some things really frighten him. Sammy asks what it is that frightens George, offering up spiders, rats and snakes. George tells him that it is diamonds. Sammy agrees.

George and Sammy are in town and have probably just come out of a shop which might be called Sports United Wear. They have been watching the 1982 World Cup and are keen to start playing football again. They have not bought anything though as a Italy Paolo Rossi replica shirt was deemed too dear by both.

The conversation turns to phobias. This is because Sammy has said that the rising price of quality sportswear scares him. He wonders what scares George but George looks at him very strangely. He is puzzled that Sammy would think that he would be scared of those things when he knows that George is a known nature lover. Whenever Sammy has been scared of those things in the past, George always repeats his mantra “They are more scared of you.”

George has an intense fear of diamonds. It is not a recognised fear but if it was it would probably be called diamondiphobia. The likelihood of people having this phobia is very slim, so it is even more incredible that two best friends have the same phobia. It is also very inconsiderate of their wives to go shopping for them when they know it turns their husbands into sweating wrecks at just the sight of them.