GAMBLE

George and Lynne are on a pedalo. A woman on a nearby pedalo says that she and Antonio got married on the spur of the moment while on holiday in Las Vegas. Lynne asks if her that was a bit of a gamble.

George and Lynne are stuck out in the sea. The pedalo they hired was faulty as the pedals face the wrong way. George has been pedalling but they just keep going round in circles.

Antonio has gone out to get George and Lynne and bring them back to the beach. Both the woman and Antonio run the pedalo stall. As they are newly married, the woman is still very excited and likes to tell her customers about her wedding. Antonio just keeps quiet.

After they get back to the beach, an argument ensues about the refund George thinks he is entitled to. It is awkward because at the same time Lynne is making dinner arrangements with the woman. George and Antonio come to an agreement but it isn't pleasant. The dinner is a very uncomfortable affair.

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And that, my friends, is it. After 2 and a bit years and 444 explanations, I am calling time on my George and Lynne based endeavours. The site will stay up so you can read forever more, or until a new, more powerful internet is invented that will no doubt destroy us all.

Thank you for all your visits and comments. I do it all for you (and me).

Hughesie

NO SUPPORT

Lynne and 'Mantha are out jogging. Lynne tells 'Mantha that Kelly-Ann has no visible means of support. 'Mantha asks if that means she doesn't work. Lynne says it means she doesn't wear a bra.

After the mirror incident, Lynne is upping her fitness regime and has dragged 'Mantha along for the ride. Lynne is still self conscious about her figure so she gone for the t-shirt rather than wearing a clingy vest. 'Mantha has done the same because her earrings match her top.

Kelly-Ann's dress really is skin-tight. It forms perfectly around her breasts which are massive. It is unclear whether Lynne and 'Mantha are looking at Kelly-Ann with disgust or respect. 'Mantha's face shows fear. She knows that without a bra, Kelly-Ann's assets will droop into later life, leaving her with a saggy bosom.

Kelly-Ann does work. She is the new secretary for Mr Valentino.

PAINTBALLING

George and Lynne are paintballing. Lynne tells George that Minnie held a paintballing party in her house for her kids. George thinks that was a bad idea. Lynne continues her story by saying that by the end, every wall of her house was covered in paint but it is one way of redecorating your house for free.

Paintballing is usually a group activity but George and Lynne decided to hire out the entire complex for themselves, presumably at a massive cost. Either that or they have broken away from the main group to release some tension from their relationship.

Whoever loaded the paintball guns has made a bit of an error. Lynne has been firing yellow pellets but at the end she fires a red pellet at George. He is 'killed' in the game but when he goes back to base, the person keeping score will ask who from the red team shot their own member.

The same person who loaded Lynne's gun is probably responsible for letting a children's party use the guns indoors. Lynne is not right. It is not a good way of redecorating your house for free. For starters it wouldn't be free as paintballing is quite expensive. Secondly, unless you want your house covered with yellow and red splodges, your house will look an absolute tip.

MIRROR

George and Lynne are at home. Lynne is looking at herself in the mirror and asks George if she's losing her figure. George says that it isn't the case, it's just that some mirrors are more flattering than others. Lynne understands and says that their mirror is just plain rude.

One of Lynne's biggest fears is losing her figure. She relies on it almost everyday from getting out of parking tickets to diverting attention when she is shoplifting (probably). This is one of the reasons why she has never had children, nor never wants to. Also she can't stand kids.

George is being kind to Lynne. He is right, it is a bad mirror which has warped over time, thus giving the impression that Lynne is portlier than she actually is. It's not Hall of Mirrors warped, but enough to give the wrong impression.

George had dug himself into a little hole. Lynne will now demand that every mirror in the house is replaced immediately with flattering ones. George now has to buy new full length mirrors, not cheap, and make sure that Lynne looks good in them to prevent another hissy fit. Living with Lynne is like living with a spoilt child and is the reason George doesn't want kids.

MARATHON

George and Lynne are out. Lynne tells George that Ruthie is looking for a long running affair. George asks if that will be with a married man. Lynne replies that it won't, it will be with a marathon man. Ruthie chases a runner who is frightened.

It is a cold yet sunny day and the residents of Wimbledon are out in force to watch the local marathon. It is unlikely this is a full marathon, maybe just a half-marathon. Still, it has proved to be a popular event so there may be another one next year.

George is suspicious about what Lynne has said. He is wondering why Lynne would bring this up. George thinks that Lynne is about to suggest they sleep with other people. George does not want this, especially not with Ruthie who he has heard is a bit of a terror.

Ruthie is a terror. She is the sort of person who thinks it's fun to wear a top with your name blazoned across it. Either that or the only clean clothes she had were ones from a hen party. She is chasing a man who is running in the marathon. He is scared but it gets him into first place so he should at least buy Ruthie dinner. Ruthie will suggest chicken in a basket and vodka shots.

PETE POTTER

George and Lynne are getting amorous. A voice from the television says that the search is continuing for snooker player Pete Potter. It continues to say that Potter's in the frame for a crime but police haven't a cue where he is. George and Lynne look shocked.

George and Lynne have decided to do the deed on the sofa tonight. The late film has got them in the mood but the news in the middle of the film has come one. The shocking story of Pete Potter has been gripping the nation. Potter's wife and brother were found murdered at his home and he has not been seen since.

The police say they just want to eliminate him from their enquiries but let's face it, he did it. Unless he gets Johnny Cochran and Robert Shapiro to defend him, Potter is going down for a long time. George and Lynne stop kissing because they, like the country, are fascinated by the story. It is unfortunate that the news reader uses the word 'cue' instead of 'clue'. This was a mistake. The writer of the autocue should have used words which were less easy to mispronounce, such as 'police have still yet to locate his whereabouts.'

MEN

George and Lynne are in a shop. George asks the shopkeeper for a you-know-what, a thingumabob that goes on a whatchamacallit. The shopkeeper gives him what he's after. Lynne marvels at this exchange and says that men speak a language only they understand.

It's good to see the shopkeeper is wearing an apron. These are the good old days when all shopkeepers wore either an apron or a brown coat. Whatever shop you work in, there is always a chance of a spillage.

George knows what he wants but doesn't know the name of it. He's so flustered that he can hardly get the words out. He is worried about looking like an amateur in front of both his wife and the shopkeeper. Luckily the shopkeeper knows what he wants. It's a home pregnancy test.

PAIR

George and Lynne are at home. George presents Lynne with a gift of new earrings. Lynne says they are the perfect pair for her. She bends over and George says they are the perfect pair for him.

George has surprised Lynne with a nice gift how very thoughtful of him. He has been rewarded with a look down her top. It would have been easier to drop his keys and ask her to pick them up.

ICE

George and Lynne are going ice skating. Lynne points out Kelly to George and tells him she's just broken up with Dan. She adds that Kelly reckons skating is a good way of meeting a new partner. George adds that it's a good way of breaking the ice.

Either the council have iced the park or it's very cold in Wimbledon and the pond has frozen over. Whatever has happened, George and Lynne are taking advantage and are going ice skating.

Kelly was the woman who was dating the cycling club's secretary, who must have been Dan. Their relationship didn't last very long, but after a string of unsuccessful relationships, Kelly has decided that wallowing in self pity is a pointless waste of time and she needs to get out there.

She seems to have found a nice looking man with well coiffed hair and a Don Johnson jacket, although she does look a little shocked at his advances. Maybe she has been kidding herself that she is over Dan.

The man duly reveals his true self. He takes no time at all the grab hold of Kelly. His over exuberance however leads to his hair becoming displaced, revealing a high forehead. He is in fact a balding sex pest. It's a wonder George and Lynne don't step in. They think it's young love. It isn't, it's sexual assault.

ROCKET

George and Lynne are out. Lynne tells George that the local football club's manager gave each player a rocket after a defeat last Saturday. George says that it's about time he got tough with that bunch of losers. Lynne reveals that he wasn't tough and also gave them a sparkler each too.

It must be bonfire night in Wimbledon. Wimbledon FC, as they were in the 80s, are not doing very well according to George and Lynne. In fact, they were on their ascent to Division One and their amazing FA Cup win. George and Lynne are either being sarcastic or have got so used to their club winning that any loss is met with boos from the terraces. Ironic boos. Dave Bassett is doing a fine job.

So good are Wimbledon, soon to be promoted from Division 3, that manager Dave Bassett has organised a fireworks display for them and the local community. It is being held near Plough Lane and all the team will be letting off a firework each. Everyone's having a great time.

IMPORTANT

George and Lynne are at home. Lynne tells George he's been on the computer for hours and asks him what is more important, his work or his wife. George immediately responds that his work is. Then, upon seeing Lynne disrobe, changes his mind and says his wife is more important.

Lynne is right, George has been on the computer for hours. He can't understand it. He presses the keys but nothing comes on the screen. This is because he has the monitor not only not switched on, but also the wrong way round. He'll never finish those reports. Oh why can't he go back to using his precious ledgers, so neatly stacked on his desk.

If he doesn't finish the reports, his boss will have his guts for garters. Then he will be fired and therefore not be able to support his wife. So in this way, his work is more important. He then realises he can tell his boss the computer didn't work. No one will know that nothing was wrong with it as they all couldn't work the computers. The boss will be irritated but concedes that he will have to send his staff on a computer training course.

PICTURE

George and Lynne are at home. Lynne tells George that she'll be gone for about an hour. George asks if there's anything she'd like done while she's out. Lynne suggests he could hang a picture and George asks where. Lynne tells him the nails are in the garage, the hammer is in the garden shed and the first aid box is in the bathroom.

Lynne is going out somewhere and thoughtfully tells George, who looks like he has just woken up from a mid-afternoon nap. In his daze, he foolishly asks Lynne if she needs anything done, cursing himself that he didn't wake for another five minutes. Then he would find a note from Lynne which he could feign ignorance about upon her return.

Lynne has a raunchy lithograph she needs hanging. She bought it at an antiques fair and thinks it should be displayed in their home. This is the first George has seen of it and is at a loss as to where Lynne would like it placed.

Lynne, misunderstanding George's question, tells him where everything he needs is, rather than where she wants the picture hanging. George knows where the nails and hammer are, they are his tools. He will now be irritated that they are not together in his tool kit, where he left them. George decides, after a little think, to hang the picture in the downstairs loo.

HOLES

George and Lynne are out and about. They come across some men digging and Lynne asks why they are digging yet another hole in the road. One of the workmen says they are looking for something. George tells Lynne that they don't just dig holes without good reason. Lynne asks them what they are look for. The workman says they are looking for the hole they dug last week.

Lynne is sick to death of the road works. Little does she know that without replacements to the infrastructure of the piping and cable network, Wimbledon will not be joining the rest of the country in the 21st century as they rely on primitive forms of communication and contaminated water from old pipes. Roadworks are a necessary evil Lynne.

The workman, who may well be the foreman, says that they are looking for the hole they dug last week. This does suggest that the workmen are a little ramshackle, but actually shows how diligent they are at their work. When they filled in their hole from last week, they did an excellent job at re-tarmacing the pavement or at least replace the paving slabs without showing where the hole was. They should really have remembered where they were digging but they were under the impression their work was over. The foreman's 'we' in the last frame does not refer to his team, more the company he works for. It was someone in head office who made the mistake and asked for more work to be done. So here they are again.

HOT AND SWEATY

George and Lynne are inside. George asks Lynne if it's a warm day. Lynne says it is and adds that she is all hot and sweaty. She then says that she needs to get out of her clothes and proceeds to take them off. George says that she has got him feeling all hot and sweaty.

George has yet to go outside so asks Lynne, who has popped to the shops to buy milk, what the weather is like outside. Lynne is now feeling the heat as she opted for a fleece to wear. She now realises she would have been better off with a cardigan or simply a t-shirt.

George has become hot and sweaty at the sight of Lynne in her underwear. This could be the case, but it's more likely that George is getting ill. He might have the flu. He should go to bed for the rest of the day. If he thinks it is down to Lynne's sexiness, he might give it to her as well. Then they will both be in bed, but not for the reasons they wanted.

SNOWBALL

George, Lynne and 'Mantha are walking in the snow. 'Mantha tells George and Lynne that Sammy has been studying the subject for months. Lynne says that that is very impressive. 'Mantha continues that Sammy has put in hours and hours of study. George asks what happens now and 'Mantha reveals that he's finally perfected the art of making the perfect snowball. A snowball hits George.

It has been snowing and this is the perfect excuse to go for a walk. 'Mantha is very aloof in her reports of Sammy's studies but quite frankly they are all just impressed that Sammy has put his mind to something other than drink.

Like any true alcoholic, or recovering alcoholic, Sammy has decided to immerse his life in something completely pointless. At one point it seemed like a great idea, it still does to Sammy, but in actual fact it is a futile study and many months wasted.

Despite years of abuse, Sammy's aim is still good. He hit George clean on the back of the head. This is not all it seems though. Resentment has built up in Sammy. He has spent the last few months shaping and nurturing that snowball until it is a perfect sphere of ice coated with fresh snowflakes. The weapon, as it now is, was meant for 'Mantha, but a quick four whiskeys in the morning means that his eye is off, and cracks George's head instead. Four stitches later, they are all laughing about the incident.

SEXY UNDERWEAR

Lynne is talking to a postman. On receiving her parcel she tells the postman that it is the sexy underwear George ordered for her. The postman tells her that his girlfriend doesn't wear nice underwear. In a fit of generosity, Lynne gives the postman her underwear to give to his girlfriend as she feels he needs it more than she does. Elsewhere some ladies are talking. One asks if her friend's postman boyfriend gave her wrong sized underwear. The other woman says that she knows it was bought for another woman and that she will have a word with him when she can. Lynne is there and looks shocked.

Lynne is very familiar with her postman. She answers the door in her nightie and tells the postman what is in her parcels. The postman looks a little bored because this happens every day. Yesterday she told the postman that a letter was her gas bill and a parcel was George's new fishing line. He puts up with it because Lynne is half naked all the time.

Lynne and the postman must have known that this whole gift transference was a bad idea. Surely the postman would take one look at Lynne and tell her that he couldn't possibly give them to his girlfriend because she has a smaller bust and bum than Lynne? The girlfriend would just think that he never took time to learn her measurements.

The woman talking to the postman's girlfriend might be 'Mantha. She knows all about Lynne's act of kindness and has played a cruel trick on Lynne. But Lynne can do nothing. Owning up would cause the girlfriend to accuse her of cheating with the postman. Even if she tried to explain the real reason, it would come across that Lynne thinks her underwear is better than the drab items the woman wears. Lynne would do best to be quiet and scold 'Mantha later.

GREENHOUSE

George is with an unnamed friend in a greenhouse. He tells George that his wife kicked him out so he moved into the greenhouse. George asks him if he's bothered about that. The man says he isn't bothered and adds that he has a nice collection to admire. George asks if he is talking about plants; his friend says he is talking about Gina the gardener's sexy bikinis.

George's friend is now living in the greenhouse. What amenities the greenhouse has we don't know but this man seems quite comfortable. Look, he's even brought in a couple of chairs and a table. He sleeps behind the tomatoes.

This man must be absolutely boiling. He is wearing a sweatshirt, trousers and slippers in the greenhouse and it looks like a nice sunny day. Even if it is winter, he would need a heater on to stop his herbs and what looks like a mango tree from freezing. He says he isn't bothered but he is most likely being stubborn and putting on a brave face.

This man has more money than sense. Not only does he have a greenhouse that is the size of one in Kew Gardens, but he hires a gardener purely on the basis that she does her work in a bikini. She probably only waters the plants. There's certainly no place for her secateurs in that outfit. No wonder his wife kicked him out.

VICAR

Lynne is cooking. She tells George that the vicar called round and tried her cooking. George asks if he liked it and Lynne replies that he did and that he said only one thing was stopping her becoming one of those TV cooks. George asks what that was and Lynne replies it is her sexy revealing outfits like this. George lets out an 'Oh, Lord.'

The vicar has a habit of turning up at people's houses unannounced. In this case he arrived at lunchtime, knowing full well that both Lynne would be preparing lunch and George would be at work. The vicar knows women will always let him in and therefore he gets free lunches every week day.

Although the vicar says that Lynne's revealing sexy items are holding her back in her quest to become a TV cook, they could in fact be her selling point. At this point in time she would be up against Fanny Cradock's Thatcher-esque face or Keith Floyd's boozy lunches. Her mix of sex and cooking could send her on a one way ticket to stardom.

The one thing that is really holding her back is that she doesn't work in food, and that she doesn't have a book deal. George knows more. His 'Oh, Lord' is an excellently worded response to the vicar's unashamed flirting. The vicar is known for this too and it is now getting out of hand. It's either that or it was Sammy in a vicar's outfit.

HEN NIGHT

George asks Lynne how the hen night was. Lynn tells him that they all went wild when some hunky men in police uniforms walked in. George asks her if they were male strippers. Lynne says they were and adds that they weren't to know that. George then asks if they were real policemen. Lynne says that they were and that the women ripped all their clothes off. She adds that their case comes up next week.

It is morning. Lynne looks a little worse for wear after a hen party she attended the night before. George goads her a little by shouting the words 'hen night', knowing it would add to her already bad hangover.

This is where the confusion starts. George asks if the men in uniform were strippers and Lynne says they were. So where did he learn that they were real policemen? The fact is that Lynne is trying to fob George off by saying they were strippers but Lynne came home in a police car the night before and a policeman talked to George after he put Lynne to bed. He knows everything.

Lynne feels no remorse for her crime. She can plead not guilty and say she thought they were strippers but for assault of a police officer she can expect a hefty fine and some community service as it is her first offence. However, if she acts like that in court she might find herself with a custodial sentence. George knows a little about criminal law, even though he went into property law for his profession, and should advise her sensibly or at least recommend a good lawyer.

UNCOMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS

Lynne is at the hairdressers. Her hairdresser is reciting a list of things she doesn't like. They are: people she didn't know, bad food, insects and uncomfortable surroundings. Lynne asks her if she is talking about 'Celebrity get me out of here.' Her hairdresser says it was worse – her boyfriend took her to meet his family.

Instead of having a proper conversation in which a subject is introduced and both sides offer opinions about it, Lynne's hairdresser prefers to list a few things and then the other person has to guess what she wants to talk about.

After the hairdresser says her list, Lynne guesses she is talking about the not-so popular game show called 'Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.' The game show was a short running Saturday evening affair where members of the public where subjected to a string of disagreeable situations until they asked the host, in this case the celebrity, to get them out of there; there being the perspex box they were sitting in. In addition to the situations the hairdresser said, contestants were also subjected to bad music, ill-fitting clothes and people talking when they're trying to read.

The game show didn't last as it was soon discovered that the contestants could quite easily endure sitting on a wooden bench with a stranger whilst eating a pot noodle and therefore always won the cash prize and/or the speedboat. The game show lost an estimated £100,000 in the first three episodes and was duly cancelled. After the copyright on the title ran out in 2002, it was snapped up and bastardised. The rest it history.

DEPUTY

Lynne is in the gym. Whilst on the treadmill, she thinks to herself that her local MP thought about running for deputy but her gave up the idea when someone pointed out he wouldn't get to wear a sheriff's badge.

Lynne likes to have a think when she is working out. It breaks up the monotony of exercise and gives her a chance to grapple some pressing issues. Unfortunately, because she is wrapped up in her own thoughts, she is yet to make any new friends at the gym.

If Lynne said her thoughts out loud to a human being, she might involve herself in a conversation. She would get out of breath whilst running, but it would make those gym visits more fun. In this instance she could've have spoken to Anne Widdecombe, who is also at the gym. Anne, being a politician, would be incredibly interested in the local MP's shortcomings. They could have a good old laugh at him and Anne could have used it as a stepping stone to her own political career, at this moment in its infancy. Maybe Lynne thinks that Anne Widdecombe would already know about this and doesn't want to bother her with old news. In fact, it was probably the sight of Anne which reminded Lynne of the MP story.

VITAL STATISTICS

George arrives home to hear Lynne reciting numbers. George thinks the numbers Lynne is saying are her measurements: bust, waist and hip. They are in fact Lynne's lottery numbers.

This episode takes place not in the mid 1990s as you might think, but in our usual time of the early to mid 80s. Lynne has bought a ticket for the Ohio state lottery during one of their many trips away. After getting home, she decided to put her ticket somewhere safe, in this case sellotaped to her mirror. After writing to a friend in America, she has finally got the results of the lottery she bought the ticket for. Before reading the actual numbers, she checks her own numbers, three of which are 36, 24 and 35.

Lynne will find out soon that she has not won the Ohio state lottery. It's a good job too because as she doesn't live there, she would not be able to claim her winnings.

GILES

George and Lynne are in a bookshop. George has heard news that Giles has taken on an assistant and asks him to confirm this. Giles says he has because at his age he needs to take things more easily. He continues to say that he leaves Angie to do most of the leg work. Lynne says she can see why.

Giles owns and runs this bookshop. He has done for quite some years and is known for his garish waistcoats. He sells all manner of books and has always run the business completely on his own. It kept costs down and gave him something to do.

Giles has, until recently, always staunchly denied he has needed any help with his bookshop. That was until he fell off a ladder replacing a new batch of Jackie Collins'. It was then he bowed to public opinion and put an ad in the shop window.

Giles hired Angie and now she does most of the 'leg work' as he puts it. What this entails is going up and down the ladder to fetch books on high shelves. Lynne says she can see why he lets her do this work. It is because she is fitter and more active than Giles. It is also because Angie is terrible with numbers and would be useless doing a stock take.

VIEW

George and Sammy are on the beach. George asks Sammy how he's doing. Sammy says he is fine and he is just admiring the view. George looks and says it is spectacular. Sammy tells him that he meant the view of Lynne and 'Mantha playing topless volleyball.

Something has happened. If we look at George's body language and his question, it is apparent that Sammy got a little drunk last night and did or said something which was both embarrassing and distressing. After he passed out, the other three had a discussion on who was to talk to Sammy about his antics. It was decided George should confront him.

What's worse for George was is that this happened on the first day of the holiday. George's torso is very white, which suggests that he has not even been out in the sun yet. Sammy is being sensible and is not exposing his shoulders. The truth is that he squirted all the sun tan lotion all over the bathroom last night in a drunken rage.

Lynne and 'Mantha are playing volleyball, but without other players or a net, it is a little futile. They must have joined a team back home and are practising their sets and spikes. Let's hope they don't throw the ball at any of the low flying seagulls.

VOWS

George and Lynne are out and about. Lynne tells George that she's heard that Mike and Carol have renewed their marriage vows. She believes that that was romantic and asks George if they should do the same. George says that there is no need. He kisses her and says that his vows are as fresh as ever. Lynne says that that is even more romantic.

The fact that Mike and Carol have renewed their vows is not really exciting news. No, the exciting part is that there is a couple in the Wimbledon area other than George and Lynne who aren't alliterative. It appears this is the secret of a good marriage.

George says his vows are as fresh as ever. If this is the case, George and Lynne's wedding must have an awkward affair for the guests. George vowed to befriend a drunk, only have three sets of clothes and do anything possible to get a look at his wife naked. Lynne vowed to tell bad jokes, never get a job and show off her tits at every opportunity.

DANCING

George and Lynne are having a dance. Martha tells them that Martin took her dancing the other night. Lynne asks her if she thinks he may be the one. Martha tells her that she got a tingling feeling. Lynne asks her if that is a sign of true love. Martha says that it isn't, but a sign that the clumsy idiot was treading on her toes.

George and Lynne are at another gala. They go to galas most weekends and at least twice a week. As this is a Wednesday, it's gala night. And as usual after the meal, there is dancing.

Martha talks of dancing with Martin, so who is the man she is dancing with now? It can't be Martin as this would make Martha the rudest woman on earth. Is Martha seeing Martin? If she is, why has she gone to a gala with this man. He must be a wealthy benefactor who you don't turn down a dance with. Either that or she is a high class prostitute.

Martin is a dancing enthusiast and hopes that by taking Martha dancing, they can bond over a shared experience. However, Martin is not a good dancer. On the plus side, even though he was treading on Martha's toes, she only got a tingling feeling. This must make Martin a very light man. Perhaps he has an eating disorder, hence why he did not want to go to the gala dinner.

WEATHER

George and Lynne are out and about in the rain. Lynne tells George that a TV weatherman named Wes and TV weathergirl named Wendy have just had a child. George asks if it's a boy or a girl. Lynne says it is a son.

It is raining heavily and both George and Lynne are prepared, wearing overcoats and carrying an umbrella. The weather people have got it spot on of course.

We do not know if Wes and Wendy are married or whether this is the culmination of a brief romance. The story probably would have made the papers and that's where Lynne has picked up on the story. They do not work for a TV channel as Lynne hasn't mentioned it, which means that perhaps they were both sacked for their dalliances.

Lynne says they have had a son, but points to the sun. George will have to be on his toes to get Lynne's joke. She is lucky that the sun is out otherwise the end of the conversation would have been quite boring. Actually, it would have the same as it is, quite boring.

BLADDERWORT-SMYTHS

Lynne and 'Mantha are out jogging. Lynne points out the Bladderwort-Smyths who are in a car. 'Mantha says she hears they are very rich, so much so that they own a huge place in the home counties. Lynne corrects her and tells her they own one of the home counties.

The Bladderwort-Smyths are an old couple who live nearby and drive around in a Rolls Royce. They are the scorn of the neighbourhood for flashing their wealth for all to see, but the actual extent of their wealth is shrouded in secrecy.

Chinese whispers have taken hold on the subject of the Bladderwort-Smyths. Some say they own Wimbledon, some say, as 'Mantha has heard, a huge place in the home counties. Lynne on the other hand has heard they own one of the home counties.

It is probably likely that Lynne is the sort of person who mishears something but takes it as fact. It is highly unlikely that they own one of the home counties. For this to happen they would have to approach the Queen and offer her a huge sum to take a whole county off her hands and it probably would have been on the news. The most likely explanation is that 'Mantha is correct, but Lynne is too stubborn to accept that and will stick by her story, even after she's been proved wrong.

MAKE-UP

Lynne is applying her make-up and tells George it her first task every morning. She continues to say that without her make-up, she feels undressed.

In this, the last part of the getting ready trilogy, we join George and Lynne in the morning, perhaps after the gala the night before. Lynne is still drunk so puts on her make-up before she gets into the shower. Later she will sprinkle coffee on her cornflakes and put the dishes in the washing machine.

George is also a little worse for wear. He collapsed in bed last night and didn't take off his shirt or special gold watch, which he only wears on special occasions, like galas. It also look like he was wearing his special small pants too. A treat for Lynne.

The horror of the evening will dawn on them when George finds his car in the driveway, meaning he drove home drunk, tyre tracks in the flower bed, and sick in the sink. A good evening.

TAKING HER TIME

George is is sitting around. He is waiting for Lynne to get ready and states that Lynne always takes her time getting ready. Lynne slowly gets dressed, putting on each piece of underwear very carefully. At the end George says he is not complaining that Lynne takes her time getting ready.

George is waiting for Lynne but who is he talking to? Has he invited Sammy to sit behind a two-way mirror? Does he have a series of cameras set up in his bedroom which feed to a bank of monitors in his sex dungeon? Whatever is going on, he looks pretty sinister at the beginning.

George could have easily put this time to better use. He could have done his taxes, printed some more fliers for his blues band or finally sorted out the spice drawer. You'd think he'd seen this charade many times before. He must just want to get a good look at Lynne before they come back from the gala, where he plans to get blind steaming drunk. At that point, there's no way Lynne is going to let his busy hands near her stockings.

MATERIAL

Lynne says that she has always been accused of being a material girl. George doesn't agree because there isn't a lot of material in the dress that Lynne is wearing.

Initially, we do not know where George and Lynne are. It is quite dark judging by the backgrounds. It could be George's sex dungeon.

Lynne is making a reference to the fact she spends a lot of money on trivial items that represent her status. She doesn't need all those shoes and bags, but it makes her feel better. In addition to this, she is a fan of Madonna and has wanted to get the 'Material Girl' reference into casual conversation for quite a while now.

George has not heard the song, nor the phrase, so believes it literally refers to material, hence his last statement. He is a little taken aback by Lynne's dress that he has forgotten to get dressed himself. He is once again in his gardening shirt. It is rare for Lynne to be ready before George.

FEEL

Lynne is looking at herself in the mirror. She sighs and says she’s not as young as she used to be. George comes in and tells Lynne that she’s only as old as she feels and then adds that she feels pretty good to him.

Lynne is going through a bit of a crisis. In addition to feeling dated, she is now examining her wrinkles in the mirror. This is a mistake. Everyone knows that the harsh light of the bathroom is never flattering.

George, whose tan has lasted longer than Lynne’s, offers up his sympathy. But would you look at the size of his underpants. They are the smallest he has ever worn. A great deal of waxing has gone one there to ensure his pant moustache is not visible.

It appears that George and Lynne don’t have an ensuite bathroom as such, but a sink and mirror in their bedroom, like you find in a B&B. Perhaps George and Lynne’s house used to be a B&B. This may explain the bad water pressure and filthy shower.

DATED

George and Lynne are out and about. Lynne sees an amorous couple and reminisces to George about when they were still dating. George says it was a long time ago and Lynne replies that she knows but she wishes they still were dating, because she now sometimes feels a little dated.

Instead of seeing two people in a clinch on a bench and being embarrassed, George and Lynne feel warmed. However, George looks very happy so might be feeling a little aroused. Hence his actions at the end.

The woman on the bench looks similar to the woman from the gift shop. This could be Harry too, although he is a little blurred and it is difficult to tell. If it is him, he must have finally got round to going to that gift shop. Let's hope he didn't catch anything from Tabitha.

If Lynne felt a little dated in the 1980s, you can only imagine what she feels like now what with the way modern technology has advanced. The 60 year old Lynne is probably hiding under some blankets at home, waiting for the apocalypse.

LONG AND SHORT

Lynne is trying on dresses in front of George and she asks him if the one she is wearing is too long. She changes and then asks if her current dress is too short. George tells her that both are great and adds that that’s the long and short of it.

George and Lynne are getting ready to go out. From experience, George knows that Lynne will always try on a number of dresses before making her final choice so has not started to get ready himself, but has stayed in his gardening shirt.

Lynne, despite buying a lot of clothes over the years, still does not know the difference between a dress and a skirt. You would think that after all this time she would know, but no, she doesn’t.

The second dress might be too short for the dinner she and George are going to, but unless the first dress is getting caught under her shoes then it really can't be too long. In fact, dresses that drag on the floor have been the style. Maybe that is a little 'out there' for Lynne.

BAD WEATHER

George and Lynne are at an airport. The woman at the departures desk apologises and says their flight has been cancelled. George asks if it is due to bad weather. A different woman says it is due to bad Heather as the lady co-pilot has a headache.

This is not the check-in desk of the airline but a boarding gate of the airport. Up until this point, the flight was due to leave on time and the gate had been displayed on the boards. George, Lynne and countless other passengers had walked to the boarding gate in good faith only to be told their flight is now delayed.

The woman with the red hair has had to pull rank on the original woman. She is more important and feels it is her duty to tell George the real reason behind the delay. It would sound better coming from her.

What sort of two-bit airline is this that they would delay a flight just because the co-pilot has a headache? You would think that by the time the aspirin kicked in the pilot would have taken off and then the co-pilot would been able to resume her duties. If it was a migraine, then you have to wonder why the co-pilot would be allowed to fly if she was always going to be a liability. It seems that the flight will take off as soon as Heather's headache has gone. One thing's for sure, George and Lynne won't be flying FeminAir again in a hurry.

FORGETTING

Lynne is in bed. George comes in with a box of chocolates as an apology for forgetting. Lynne asks him what he has forgotten. George says he will keep the chocolates as Lynne herself has forgotten, but Lynne doesn’t let him.

George is in his casual attire but Lynne is in her underwear so it is difficult to know what time of day it is. It must be the weekend, sometime around mid to late afternoon. George has been out in town and has forgotten something, so buys some chocolates.

The real mystery is what George has forgotten. If he was in town but he had time to buy chocolates, then it is unlikely he forgot to buy something for Lynne. Lynne is scantily dressed so he could have forgotten about their planned romantic evening together.

This isn’t right because even Lynne has forgotten. We also know that Lynne usually dresses like this in the day so George could have forgotten anything. The irony would be if George had forgotten to buy Lynne chocolates, but surely neither of them are that stupid.

CLINGY

George and Lynne are getting dressed. Lynne asks George if he thinks the dress she is wearing is a bit clingy. George says it isn't but he is.

George and Lynne are about to go out. Once again they have to go through the ridiculous charade of Lynne trying on all these different dresses so that George gives her a compliment.

In order to get George's attention, Lynne strikes the same pose as she did when she was hailing a cab in harlequin leggings. This must be her, 'everyone look at me pose.' Well it worked then and it's working now.

George is right, the dress isn't clingy. It actually hangs rather than clings to her body. Lynne must have confused the meaning of clingy with revealing. But now because of George, she will wear that out, even though it is in fact a nightie.

LOCKED OUT

Lynne is recounting a story to George. She tells him that the door slammed shut and she was locked out wearing only a towel. George asks if she got help. Lynne replies that she got help from the police and also the fire brigade, an ambulance, a postman and a window cleaner.

Lynne has a very interesting story to tell George and she insists on launching into it as soon as he gets home from work. He hasn't even had time to loosen his tie. Lynne, on the other hand, didn't bother to get dressed today.

Lynne was outside in only a towel because she was just about to have a bath and decided she wanted a cup of tea whilst in the bath. There was no milk in the fridge so she went outside to see if the milkman had been. He had and as she went out to pick up the milk the door slammed shut, just as Lynne said.

Lots of people came to help Lynne. The window cleaner offered to go up his ladder to open a window, the ambulance was there in case he fell, the postman was there to verify that Lynne actually lived there and the policeman was there so no one reported a break in, thus wasting more police time. This does beg the question of what the fireman was doing there. He just wanted to see if he could look at Lynne's boobs.

SNOOKER CHAMPION

Lynne and 'Mantha are out. Lynne sees the local snooker champion on crutches and points him out to 'Mantha. 'Mantha is shocked and asks Lynne how he broke his leg. Lynne tells her that he tripped over on a number 147 bus. 'Mantha says that it sounds painful. Lynne agrees and adds that it was the 147 break he didn't want.

Wimbledon has a local snooker champion. Lynne does not tell us which snooker championship he won but it was likely to be the Wimbledon Open. If he was a professional, he probably wouldn't be getting the bus.

'Mantha doesn't read the local newspaper so doesn't know about the snooker champion's accident. She prefers to ask Lynne about any news because it gives them something to talk about. Without that conversation starter, they would most likely be sitting in silence.

The snooker champion was on the 147 bus when he broke his leg. We don't know exactly why he was in the Wanstead/Plaistow area. He might have been going to watch West Ham United. He has decided not to sue Transport For London as the unwanted attention might affect his training. Lynne looks very angry at the end. She had a large bet on him winning the South West London Championship.

STAIRS

George and Lynne are in a hotel. A woman tells her husband, Arnold, that they should take the stairs. Upon hearing this, George suggests to Lynne that they do the same. Lynne says she doesn't want to walk up four floors and that the lift is coming anyway. When the lift arrives she asks the lift operator where he's been. He replies that by asking Lynne where anyone goes in a lift.

George and Lynne are on a weekend away. They are staying in quite a fancy hotel and judging by George's attire they have just come back from dinner. George and Lynne's room is on the fourth floor and as it's late, Lynne does not feel like walking.

The hotel is so fancy it has an old style lift which needs an operator. This means that unless the lift stops after a certain time, the operator has to work all night. When the lift does come, Lynne is very rude to the operator. He only looks young and is only doing this job so he can have a little extra money in his pocket for the weekends. Lynne takes her anger at George for suggesting they walk out on the operator.

Not willing to take that sort of abuse, the lift operator throws all lift operating etiquette out of the window and answers in a condescending manner. Had Lynne actually understood what the lift operator meant, she may have reported him to the manager. George sees that Lynne is drunk so quietly apologises to the lift operator and takes her to bed.

Note: There is literally nothing funny about this cartoon.

MY DRESS

Lynne is at her dresser in her underwear getting ready to go out. She tells George that she asked him to pick up her dress from the dry cleaners. She then says that she now has nothing to wear. George, who is dressed, hugs Lynne and says that it is just the way he likes it.

George and Lynne are about to go out. Even though Lynne knows her dress is still at the dry cleaners she has still decided to put her make-up on. Whether she actually thinks she will be going out in only her underwear we don't know. She may think that George is playing a cruel trick on her.

Lynne is trying to make George feel guilty for his trick by wiping away a tear and saying she has nothing to wear. She had her heart set on wearing that dress. All George wanted to do was hug his wife and now he's made his wife cry.

As his plan backfires, George knows he needs to get the pay-off sooner rather than later otherwise it would have been all worthless. So he grabs Lynne and squeezes and shakes her. Soon enough, Lynne gets a little scared and has to tell George to stop. It is awkward for a bit but it soon blows over.

LOCAL ROADS

George and Lynne are in bed. Lynne is reading the paper and tells George that the poor state of local roads continue to give cause for concern. The goes on to say that one group is happy with the situation namely the local pot-holing club who have just begun to explore the high street. George looks shocked.

The local paper that Lynne is reading is quite thin. The editors who run the paper have yet to cotton on to filling up pages with advertisements which not only make the paper look bulkier but give it a much needed revenue stream. Perhaps the sales department is only in its early stages.

It appears that the holes in the high street are so bad that the pot holing club is using them. This begs two questions: Firstly how have the local council let the state of the roads get so bad that people can actually climb down into the holes and secondly why Wimbledon has a pot holing club. It's no wonder the club are so happy – they finally have a chance to actually go pot holing, after years of AGMs and meetings. This will go down as a landmark year for the club.

Meanwhile, the council really need to sort out the high street. One car crash and they're going to have a compensation case on their hands so big that the cost of fixing the roads will pale in comparison.

LEGS AND BOOBS

Lynne is in the bath and on the phone to an unnamed friend. The friend tells Lynne that she has applied for the job as Mr Valentino's secretary. Lynne tells her to watch him as she's heard he treats woman as sex objects. Lynne's friend says that he was fine with and said she had all the right qualifications. Lynne thinks this is typing and computer skills but the friend says it is long legs and big boobs.

Mr Valentino is well known in Wimbledon. Where he works or what he does we do not know but we do know he has been advertising for a secretary. Either his workload has increased so much that he now needs one or the previous one left.

Lynne has failed to use the plural of woman when she warns her friend. She may have wanted to say 'his woman' but that would imply that Lynne's friend was entering into more than a business relationship with him.

This being the 1980s, Mr Valentino is able to hire his secretaries based purely on their looks, with no formal qualifications needed. Lynne's friend's boobs are so big, a pre-requisite for Mr Valentino, that she can't even stand up straight. Perfect for filing, not so good for typing up letters.

IRON

Lynne is doing the ironing. She thinks that there are too many of George's shirts to iron. George comes in shirtless and asks Lynne what is going on. Lynne says that it is a one woman walk out and that she isn't doing any more ironing. She adds that she is striking while the iron is hot.

George has no shirts to wear and has demanded that Lynne iron them because there is no way in hell he will iron his own shirts. He owns eight shirts. Three pink, three blue and two beige. This is odd because whenever he returns from work he is usually wearing a white shirt. This means that Lynne has ruined his shirts by putting colours in with them. How she got three different colours out of one wash is something to marvel at.

George's question is not about Lynne's ironing but why there is water all over the kitchen and all his shirts are not white and in a wet heap on the ironing board. Lynne's proclamation of a strike has just confused him.

If George knows best, he will run downstairs before Lynne's reckless iron positioning sets the living room on fire. She doesn't understand about heat.

CREDIT CARD

George and Lynne are out. Lynne tells George that he is the love of her life and her best friend. George asks Lynne if she's sure about that. Lynne confirms that he is the love of her life but her best friend is her credit card. George expects her to say something like that.

George has gone out holding a small pig. At first glance it looks as though it maybe his money box. He has lost his wallet and for some reason he sees his piggy bank as a substitute to carry his money around in. We may chuckle at George's idea, but this could be a sign of early onset dementia.

By the time the attractive woman turns up, it seems that this is not a piggy bank at all but a real miniature pig. Its ears are clearly in a different position and it looks a little alarmed. The attractive lady has seen George holding the miniature pig but decides to not say anything.

Lynne has not mentioned the pig either. This is because she had bought it with her credit card, hence her comment. George is so marvelled at how small the pig is that he doesn't even ask her how much it cost. They are priced at £700 now so just think what it must have cost Lynne.

LOCAL MP

George and Lynne are in bed. Lynne tells George that their local MP was caught in a compromising position. George is alarmed that this has happened again and asks Lynne who she was this time. Lynne says it was his wife which was a big shock to everyone.

George and Lynne are getting amorous on their bed with the massive heart shaped pillow and Lynne ruins the mood by discussing current affairs. Initially, it does not turn George off. Perhaps this is some sort of role-play involving being a local news reporter and her boss.

The MP's infidelity is of no surprise to George. The MP is some sort of Wimbledon Silvio Berlusconi and his extra-curricular activities only serve to increase his profile. Rumour has it that he doesn't actually bed any of these women, but it is merely a PR stunt to help his exposure.

Finally George is turned off by Lynne's chit chat. He was hoping she was going to talk about what the MP and his mistress were getting up to in bed, but instead Lynne had ruined the mood with a feeble joke. There is no way the MP being photographed in bed with his own wife would make the news, even it was only the local news. George is disgusted that Lynne would jeopardise their one night a week of love making for the sake of a gag.

DARIUS

Lynne is out with an unnamed friend. They walk past a restaurant and the friend says that she loves Greek food. Inside Lynne points out Darius. The friend is quite taken with him and asks Lynne is he's married. Lynne says that he is and her friend says that it is a Greek tragedy.

Lynne and her friend are meeting up for a regular catch up. As they walk the streets, they pass a restaurant which Lynne knows about. She suggests it to her friend who likes the idea as she loves Greek food. We can only presume that Lynne told her what sort of food it was. Either that or there were lots of broken plates on the pavement outside.

Lynne must know the owner, Darius, as she points him out to her friend. Knowing the owner will help Lynne secure a table, as it does look quite busy. In fact, Lynne was left the task of booking a table at a restaurant for their catch up. She completely forgot and has had to think on her feet to find somewhere on this, the busiest day of the year. She knows that Darius will fit her in as he has a crush on her, despite being married.

Lynne's friend is attracted to Darius. Why anyone would fancy a man with hair like that is a mystery, but this is the Eighties and anything and everything happened then.

CAB

George and Lynne are in town and need to get somewhere. George is trying to flag down a cab but it is not working and tells Lynne so. Lynne tells George she'll be back in a moment. She then tries to hail a cab herself, leaving George to remark on her cab flagging method.

George and Lynne are on Oxford Street. The buses and taxis are flying past but not one wants to stop for George. He should try incorporating a loud whistle into his technique. Or he should move a bit further down the road.

Lynne technique is to reveal some harlequin style leggings and do a little jig. She has already got the attention of two cabs but we don't know if their lights are on, and therefore available for hire. It could be that they are just slowing down to have a look.

If these cabs are not stopping then George and Lynne will be late for the theatre. If they had looked at a map beforehand, they would have known it would have been quicker to walk through Soho to get to Shaftesbury Avenue. They'll know better next time.

BRUNETTE

George and Lynne are at home. George tells Lynne not to forget about their new neighbours' party tonight. Lynne tells George that she's bought a new hair colour specially.

She goes on to say that she thought she'd try being a brunette for a change. George says that is looks like Lynne is dyeing to meet them.

Lynne is quite forgetful so George has to constantly remind her about the social engagements they have booked together. Just last week she forgot about a gala dinner. She was fast asleep at 6 o'clock, leaving George to attend on his own, much to his and his colleagues annoyance, who had all been taking bets on what sort of outrageous outfit Lynne would be wearing that night.

This party is being hosted by the new neighbours who have presumably just moved into the area. Lynne is going to surprise them by dyeing her natural blonde hair brown. This will completely throw them as they have seen a blonde woman leaving that house. As they live down the road, they have not yet had a chance to see her face. They will presume the dark haired woman is George's wife but think the blonde woman is his mistress. They will be feeling very awkward and will probably not to socialise with George, although his poor unsuspecting wife is fantastic company. Soon they will confront Lynne to tell her that her husband is having an affair. She will believe them and a huge row will break out with George threatening to leave, all because Lynne dyed her hair.

COLD FEET

George meets Lynne at her taxi and shelters her from the rain with an umbrella. He asks how her girls night out was. Lynne says it was terrible because the male stripper refused to take his clothes off. George asks if he got cold feet to which Lynne replies that as he didn't take his clothes off he didn't get a cold anything.

Lynne has been out with her girlfriends and George has stayed at home. He enjoyed his night in and had a whiskey in the bath whilst listening to Genesis. He then got into his dressing gown and watched the news. This was a good night for George.

Lynne on the other hand had organised a raucous night with her friends. It wasn't even a hen do but they still hired a stripper to entertain them. They were all clawing at him and he decided to end the show as the rules clearly stated that the customers were not allowed to touch.

The stripper stormed out and was rigorously baited by the women. They have now been blacklisted by both the stripper service and the bar. When those women go out together, they really go out.